On Thursday, President Trump’s Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, came to Red Hook with the intention of visiting local magnet school, PS 15.
The school had prepared for her visit by arranging a tour and inviting top students to speak with DeVos, who never showed.
“This is outrageous!” exclaimed Principal Peggy Wyns-Madison, who expressed disappointment at DeVos’ absence. “We put a lot of time and effort into welcoming Ms. DeVos to our school. The least she could have done was call.”
Professional protesters outside the school expressed disappointment at the turn of events, as they were hoping to chase off DeVos and cause a scene worthy of national news. However, television crews and incompetent Star-Revue staff left after it became apparent that the Education Secretary would not be coming.
At the end of the day, the question left hanging in the air was, “Where on earth is Betsy DeVos?”
Upon further investigation, Lunar-Revue staff found DeVos in an unlikely place: wandering the aisles of Fairway.
“Former First Lady Michelle Obama’s Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act is clearly out of control,” DeVos stated. “There are like three children here and the entire place is full of food.”
It soon became clear that DeVos – having never stepped foot in a public school – was a little unclear on where she had ended up.
“I never expected funds to be so mismanaged,” DeVos muttered to herself. “There’s a lot I can do with this.”
DeVos proved difficult to convince she was not in a school. Every time she came across an adult, DeVos asked if that person was the principal. She refused to speak to anyone except the principal.
Eventually, people gave up trying to tell Devos that she was in a grocery store and let her wander freely, though grocery store staff kept a close eye on DeVos.
One child, spotted running from DeVos in tears, said, “Why is the scary lady yelling at me about potatoes?”
It seems that DeVos had become enraged at a sign that read, “Potato.” She was later seen trying to change the sign with a red sharpie to read, “Potatoe.”
DeVos incorrectly believes that the word “potato” should be spelled “potatoe,” similar to the former Vice President, Dan Quayle.
“I shouldn’t even have to do this,” the Secretary of Education critiqued. “It’s like people expect me to do everything.”
“Obama’s Common Core has failed an entire generation of children. We must Repeal and Replace Common Core with an exact replica, except it should be called Devos Core,” she whispered to the potatoe aisle.
At the end of her visit, DeVos was heard saying, “Well, I can’t say I expected better. Clearly there is an over-abundance of funding at this school.”
“I’m going to recommend a major decrease in funding,” DeVos mused. “Maybe we do away with public schools entirely. I mean, I didn’t see one gun in the building. What happens if a bear attacks?”
President Trump later bragged about DeVos’ findings and recommended that Congress immediately start working on new legislation related to cutting public school funding.
Senator Deb Fischer (R) of Nebraska, having seen photographs of DeVos’ visit, responded, “Clearly this is a sick joke. I mean, how am I supposed to convince anyone in my home state to take this administration seriously? No one is this dumb.”
Apparently, some people are.