Donald Trump causes commotion at the Red Hook Civic Association, By Cosmo Politan

PS 15 was filled to capacity last Wednesday for the Red Hook Civic Association monthly meeting. The overflowing crowd packed into the auditorium for the scheduled appearance of Donald J. Trump, notorious GOP front runner for the Republican nomination.

The masses were so enormous that the 76th Precinct had to send for support staff, not only to handle the hundreds of people who jammed the school’s hallways, classrooms and entrances, but the YUGE throng of demonstrators and protesters surrounding PS 15.

John McGettrick, the mustachioed president of the Civic Association, has a relationship with Trump that goes back decades. McGettrick is Vice President of Clark Security and Investigations, and was once hired by the Trump Organization to ferret out older woman who did not pay off their Atlantic City gambling debts. “We were able to identify a number of grandmothers who had claimed poverty, but in fact were the beneficiaries of life insurance policies that they were cashing in,” McGettrick confided to The Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue.
McGettrick’s work was so appreciated and loved by The Donald that he was invited to the Trump Estate in Florida for a breakfast of chicken-fried steak, on everything bagels. “He told me that if I ever needed a favor, not to hesitate to ask,” McGettrick recalled.

While he is not personally in favor of the Trump candidacy, McGettrick thought that having such a notorious guest speaker would revive interest in the Civic Association.
The association got more than they bargained for. Hordes of Trump supporters clashed with protestors in Coffey Park, keeping the police busy and neighbors baffled. Inside, the billionaire regaled the multitudes with a banter that included jabs at hurricanes, nursing home operators, and even the NYC Parks Department.
Trump spoke briefly about his presidential campaign – kind of; well, actually, he only mentioned briefly that he was running. He spoke about how he could make better deals than just about anybody, but without a single detail. Then, he quickly entertained questions from his enthusiasts.

One of the first questions came from somebody who wondered why it took so long to renovate Red Hook’s Coffey Park.
“I heard about that, I heard about that.” Trump answered. “Before I came here to Red Hook I had my staff read back copies of the Star-Revue. They told me about the renovation delays, the lead in the ballfields, and even the giant bathroom proposed for Valentino Pier.”

He went on…

“First of all, let me tell you about bathrooms. I’ve stood on the dais of about a zillion presidential debates, and I’ve watched the Democratic ones as well. Let me tell you this. Those Democratic candidates, bless them both, are geezers. I mean, I’m no spring chicken myself, but I take care of myself, I’m quite vigorous, actually, and I can hold it in. But those Dems, I mean they have to cut away from those debates every ten minutes or so just so those old-timers can relieve themselves.

“Maybe some of you remember Wollman Rink in the 1980’s. It took the city forever to get it working, so I told them that my company could fix it in a few months. And we did! I am a winner. Win! Win! Win! You could look it up.”

During the middle of The Donald’s speech, security guards abruptly removed McGettrick fearing that he might be sympathetic to protestors outside who were violently shaking the walls. Trump apologized for the interrupting snafu, but also noted that as president, he would “nip things in the bud” before “things REALLY get out of hand.”

After the incident, in which McGettrick was barred from reentering his own meeting that he graciously invited the presidential candidate to, Trump casually continued his stream-of consciousness rant as though the whole thing never happened.

“When I’m President, I’m going to make sure that every park in the country gets renovated in three months. And they will all get reasonably sized bathrooms. I’ve got the best people! The best! I mean, where do you get these people. I know where to find them. This country will be in tip top shape once I take over. I mean, I don’t know anything about running a country, but I’ve been pretty damn good about running my company. We’ve got the best company in American. I am worth billions of dollars! Billions! Just read my financial reports.

“Once I’m president, parks will be beautiful, the Gowanus will be sparkling, the ballfields will be full of kids playing baseball and footballs. American kids, by the way, because everybody here will be here legally. Some of my best friends are Mexican, but my friends are here legally. Ship shape and work ready! We’ll have sparkling ballfields and nobody will get hurt. Well, maybe once in a while on a bad slide to second base. Did you see that Tejada against the Dodgers. He got hurt. But he’s OK. He’s legal.”

While some in the audience guffawed, others looked on in stunned astonishment.

Robin Goeman of Van Brunt Street was ashen when The Lunar-Revue met up with her. “This man doesn’t know anything about running a country,” she said. “It is unbelievable to me that he is even being considered for this job,” she went on. “I am scared for the elderly, who need compassion and justice in the courts. What’s he going to do, appoint the Three Stooges as judges?”

Brett Underhill, also of Van Brunt, was similarly shaken. “I was thinking of moving out of Red Hook anyway, but even Canada would be too close if he took over,” he said.
Wally Bazemore of Columbia Street seemed less alarmed. “Current president aside, this country has been run by jokers my whole life. At least this joker has good comedic delivery,” he said.

At the close of the meeting, Trump was rushed out by Secret Service guards into a limousine, who took him to Valentino Pier, where a waiting helicopter took him home to Mar a Lago in Florida.
McGettrick watched him leave from outside and was heard muttering “I’ll never do that again!”