2023: The Year In Review, by Joe Enright

It was a year of downs with slight upturns that suddenly veered into downs that seemed to bottom out, only to tumble violently downward again.

– Happily, the murder rate was also trending downward, yet most citizens reported feeling unsafe as mental illness, addiction and homelessness were visible everywhere, especially on the F, D, 2, 5, B, 1 and A trains. In Brooklyn, five-finger discounts became so common that most items were locked behind plexiglass barriers. This required shoppers to summon staff not busy bandaging overrun security guards to unlock access to precious items such as shampoo, deodorant and Hershey bars (just the ones with almonds – the plain ones aren’t as precious).

– In the world of weird, UAPs (née UFOs) were seized upon by both parties in Congress as another Deep State secret needing to be liberated, but only after polling showed UFOs had a tenfold higher approval rating than politicians.

– Artificial Intelligence software went mainstream as idiot savant idiots like Elon Musk warned of the danger while mere idiot savants argued, “Let’s see if it destroys us all first before we start rushing to conclusions.”

– When not warning us, Musk fired most of his Twitter staff. Then,  perhaps inspired by the UFO to UAP thing, rebranded his newly- acquired toy as X, thinking that less letters would save on ink. Genius!

– In cinema, Barbenheimer brightened our July. In music, Beyonce and Taylor Swift brought us much happiness. Swift also focused much attention on the Kansas City Chiefs, thanks to her romance with tight end Travis Kelce. But when the Chiefs started losing, fans complained that Swift should have known all too well she was distracting them from the deadly serious violence of pro football.

– In politics, God help us, Trump got indicted in four different jurisdictions up and down the East Coast. This should have been a 2022 Year in Review item, but we’re told that justice moves very slowly.

– Meanwhile Joe Biden looked like he was auditioning for a role in the film version of The Walking Dead. Not a good look in an age when visuals count more than substance.

– Ignoring public opinion, Biden decided that the best way to deal with the accelerating merger of the population of Central and South America into the United States was to ignore it because immigration reform moves even slower than justice.

– Mayor Eric Adams on the other hand, faced with the mass migration of the world’s asylum seekers to Manhattan, courtesy of free bus rides thoughtfully provided by the ever-compassionate politicians of Texas and Florida, tried to de-zombify Biden. No luck. Then Governor Hochul announced she wrangled thousands of jobs for migrants, who legally can’t accept them, plus they’re all located upstate where there’s even less affordable (and non-affordable) housing than the five boroughs. Oh well, nice gesture.

– After burning bridges with Biden, Adams tried to tunnel under the FBI who’ve been investigating his fondness for Turkish campaign donations. The New York press was elated: they could finally move on from reporting Adams’ fondness for appointing unqualified pals to newly created managerial positions.

– Congressional Indictee George Santos, whose increasingly outrageous lies inspired the most jokes in the history of comedy, got expelled. And Rudy Giuliani, another gift to satire, got indicted, disbarred, and bankrupted. Apparently justice moves a tad swifter when there’s no army of aggrieved psychos threatening death and destruction on your behalf.    

– Worn out by the titanic effort required to boot Santos back to Queens, Congress tabled support for Ukraine and Israel until they could figure out how they ranked compared to support for UFOs.

– Moving on to sports, the Jets once again rendered fans profoundly dumbstruck, gobsmacked and flabbergasted, leading many to wonder whether a tackle who majored in exorcism should be their priority in the draft.

            2021: Approved2023: Denied!

– In real estate, NY State enacted a law requiring LLCs to identify their beneficial owners come 2025. Enforcement provisions are yet to be defined and there are 23 corporate exceptions and counting, so good luck with that…Gowanus brownfields continue to pop up hither and yon, leading some Canal-side condo residents to wonder whether the whole rezoning thing was a good idea…Landmarking was sparse throughout the region, although Suffolk County moved ahead to create a new historic district for downtown Bridgehampton. And in a comic footnote, the East Hampton Architectural Review Board denied a popular East Hampton eatery – Rowdy Hall, which had moved a mile down Main Street into the Amagansett Historic District – the right to paint its new home, a non-historic 1967 one-story building, black. Things got testy, local A-List architects criticized the Board, Rowdy Hall painted it black and opened anyway, stop work orders and fines ensued. Then the Rowdys sued the Town in Supreme Court and legal papers are now flying hither and yon. The most damning argument against the Board: they couldn’t find a local architect who agreed with them so, they had to pay some guy in Brooklyn $1,250 to offer up his agreement.

– In weather, which many experts claim is driving migration on a global scale, New York City has not experienced a measurable snowfall in so long, don’t be surprised if kids who got sleds for Christmas in 2021 start using them to block playgrounds in protest.

Finally, despite it all, in 2023 weary New Yorkers once again proved to be reliant, resilient, inventive, helpful, generous and pretty damn good at dodging bullets, knives and random freakazoids. Hang in there – we’re all in this together. And remember, as the Beatles once joyously sang, with an optimistic Paul trading vocals with a pessimistic John: “I have to admit it’s getting better / It can’t get no worse.”