Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes, compiled by Kimberly Gail Price

“A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.”
~ Helen Rowland

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
~ Groucho Marx

“Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”
~Mickey Rooney

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
~Rita Rudner

“I wanted to make it really special on valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.”
~Tracy Smith

“It is impossible to love and be wise.”
~Francis Bacon

“Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.”
~Mirabeau

“Love is a grave mental disease.”
~Plato

“Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.”
~Hoosier Farmer

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.”
~Rita Rudner

“Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.”
~Phyllis Diller

“No matter how love sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.”
~Joyce Brothers

“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
~Oscar Wilde

“The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.”
~Ann Landers

“Three things can’t be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love.”
~Yiddish proverb

“To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual
anesthesia.”
~H. L. Mencken

“Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, ‘extortion day.’ “
~Jay Leno

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
~Erich Segal

“Valentine’s day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.”
~Anonymous

“Women are cursed, and men are the proof.”
~Rosanne Barr

“Women with pasts interest men. They hope history will repeat itself.”
~Mae West