Last call for night drones at Sunny’s, by Joe Enright

I was working the late shift at the Star-Revue HQ on Van Brunt Street, trying to finish my 2024 Year in Review piece (Spoiler Alert: It Sucked) when an argument about the current drone issue over New Jersey heated up over by the dry bar. It got so noisy that I decided to pick up my things and head over to  friendlier surroundings.

At Sunny’s, the after-work crowd had thinned out, leaving only us professional drinkers. Izzy poured my Dewar’s and I took it to a table by the wall where I started marking up my draft.

Mahomes-Kelce-Swift-Super Bowl, Oppenheimer sweeps the Oscars. Hmmm…soooo 2023. Americans, preferring an empty suit to an empty dress, re-elect Trump…soooo 2016. Putin sends  thousands more to their death, Hamas intentionally provokes a war to destroy Israel but instead Netanyahu destroys Gaza…Governments in France and Germany collapse, Sweden joins NATO, Syrian butcher Assad flees to Putin’s cold embrace…Mets and Yanks gives us some enjoyable playoff series…Jets and Giants give us epic grief…More unaffordable steel and glass apartments blot out the sky in Gowanus…The City finally experiments with a few truck unloading zones at a pace that might have some impact by 2040 while Citi Bike stations top 2,000…Congestion Pricing south of 60^th Street at $15 a day is paused months before the election due to its unpopularity, then instantly reignited at a bargain rate of 9 bucks to stave off Trump before he assumes the throne…The City’s progressives take a buzzsaw to zoning, hoping it will solve a housing crisis, then lament that their legislation left one-and-two family neighborhoods still standing…Mayor Adams cancels his Istanbul luxury suite reservations as Bedminster becomes his favorite new destination…Hmmm…Bedminster…What is it with those damn drones?

That’s when I heard Chet’s unmistakably loud but mellow voice, the product of 60 plus years surviving the Back, the Point, the Hook or whatever the hell they’re calling it now. He was urging Izzy to put his drink on a tab that hadn’t been paid since MSNBC had viewers.

“Do me this solid, Izzy,” he pleaded, “and I’ll tell ya what’s really goin’ on with them drone-y thingies.” I got up and signaled Izzy I was buying as I plopped down on the stool next to the man who practically invented the phrase word on the street.

I asked Chet to give me the birds-eye lowdown on the drones caper so I could put the dry-bar argument to Bedminster…er…bed when I returned to HQ. And if the tip was solid, maybe I could plug it into my 2024 review article.

“It’s simple, really,” Chet said after draining his Jameson’s in one gulp, looking all calm and mellow.

I waited. Chet smiled, pointing at his empty glass and as always, Izzy was right there to accommodate a customer who could now pay, except this time I sensed our barkeep was just as interested to hear about the drones as me. After all, Chet was the first one to tell us that Fairway would be closing. Of course, he also told us it would be replaced by a Tiffany’s outlet store but still…

“It’s the North Koreans,” Chet announced, placing his glass down with emphasis. “They smuggled a nuke into Jersey from a sub along the Jersey shore and buried it somewhere near Bedminster.”

Izzy was the first to react. “Chet, forget all that crazy shit. You were gonna tell us about the drones, remember?”

Chet chuckled. “OK, I’ll go a little slower. You know when the drones were first spotted?”

“Around mid-November,” Izzy said.

“Right. Tuesday, November 19th, exactly two weeks after the election, which is how long it would have taken Kim’s sub to evade detection and pop up alongside that looong Jersey coast and send a disassembled nuke ashore. Operation Blackmail Trump completed: give Pyongyang a Trump Tower or they blow that stinking golf course to smithereens. Also the rest of Jersey and downstate New York too at no additional charge.”

“Chet,” I barked, feeling I wasn’t getting my money’s worth, “if you want another shot, you gotta get off your nuke theory and tell us your drone theory.”

“OK, OK! Those drones are ours. They’re equipped with radiation detectors looking for Kim’s nuke.”

Chet motioned to his glass again and Izzy poured him a shot, muttering “Bullshit,” as he wandered off to tend to a new customer.

The next day, on the Forbes Newsroom Channel, I heard China expert Gordon Chang, say: “We are seeing all sorts of theories. Many are plausible, many are ominous. The drones may be seeking out a possible North Korean nuclear threat.”

Imagine that – buttoned-down Gordon Chang also drinks at Sunny’s.