Modern Insights: Chet Explains the Battle of Brooklyn

I was enjoying the wonderful new Battle of Brooklyn exhibit running all year at the Center for Brooklyn History on Pierrepont Street when I heard a familiar voice behind me.

“They used to call this joint the Brooklyn Historical Society.” It was Chet, announcing to a large crowd of what I later learned were Manhattanites who had gathered around him. I pulled my hat down lower and followed at a discrete distance.

“But then the Society members all died during Covid,” he explained, “and they owed a lot of money for overdue books, so the Brooklyn Public Library took it over.”

One of the non-Brooklynites raised her hand. “I’m confused,” she began, “I thought the Library did away with collecting fines a while ago.”

Chet laughed. “No, that was just Manhattan because the rich there have good attorneys, so why fight them in court to get those fines? Now turning to Brits versus Rebels…”

“That’s ridiculous,” a forty-something black guy said to me softly as the crowd moved along. “Where did they get this guy from, the Academy of Morons?”

“No, Red Hook,” I sighed.

Chet stopped in front of a big map showing the handful of roads and major passes that led through the hills of Colonial Brooklyn with a legend that explained the importance of the Old Stone House.

“Now, here we have the explanation of how America defeated Europe.”

Ignoring protests of “it’s the other way round” and “did he say just say Europe?” Chet took out his laser pointer and its red dot landed on an image of the house.

“Now here is the Gowanus Canal behind the house and over here is Third Avenue.” He turned to face his audience.

“And so the Britains invaded from the rear, while in the non-rear, the Americans were battling the thousands of troops marching quickly up Third Avenue because they didn’t have to wait for any traffic being diverted from the Gowanus Expressway—that hadn’t been invented yet.”

The crowd was now visibly stirring and talking among themselves. Chet’s humor works in Sunny’s Bar but here, he was dying, so he spoke louder.

“And then, near Third Street not too far from Whole Foods, there was this house owned by a Dutch guy, Cortelyou. He later moved to Ditmas Park, a much hipper place, and named it Cortelyou Road in honor of his old house … which had a lot of stone in it, by the way. And since nobody could spell Cortelyou too good, they called it the Old Stone House and … .”

“Who cares!” A woman carrying a Zabar’s bag shouted. “What about that house! What happened there?”
“I’ll tell you what happened there,” Chet shouted back. “It was the only battle in Gowanus that didn’t involve organized crime!”

Shocked silence.

Chet continued. “This regiment from Maryland, 400 guys, were surrounded, see, and the Brits were firing on them from the stoned Cortelyou so they said, what the hell, let’s make that house our Alamo and they charged into volleys of fire, took the house and held off all them redcoats until they were almost all slaughtered or captured. Some swam the Gowanus, the last to do so and survive. Anyway, the British were tired, but happy, so they began celebrating and got drunk and stuff and forgot to keep going and wipe out all the Americans. That gave Washington’s army enough time to retreat and eventually cross over the East River bridges into Manhattan that night where there was much better dining.”

The crowd, exasperated, began walking away.

“Don’t forget now, I’m a volunteer, so your tip will help a lot and keep me in beers for a while.”
The Zabar’s lady, now incensed, marched to the reception desk and loudly demanded her money back but was told the exhibit is free.

“Wait!” Chet blurted, walking briskly towards the entrance. “Is that my friend out there on Pierrepont? Yeah, that’s him, be right back.” Chet then bolted into a mad dash out the door and down the block.

“You’re wrong, insisted Zabar’s, “it’s not free! I paid that idiot who just ran out of here five dollars.”

“Sorry, ma’am, he doesn’t work here. He told us he’s doing some sort of community service at a shelter called Sunny’s, so you might find him there.”