Parks presents new Valentino Pier plan, by Overand Dunwith

In late March, NYC Department of Parks and Recreation unveiled their new plan for Valentino Park, which will incorporate the $2 million dollars allotted for a comfort station that was highly disputed in the community in 2014.

In a 8,455 page document, Parks details every miniscule detail of the additions to the Red Hook Waterfront Park, complete with complex renditions, graphs and charts, and timelines.

The multipurpose plan is estimated to cost in the billions of dollars, and is expected to eat up the entirety of the city’s budget for the next 3 decades.
“It’s a bold, expensive plan,” explained Red Hook’s Mayor, Aristotle Des Moines. “We lobbied for more attention and dollars to be poured into this underserved community. We think this bold – and did I say expensive? – plan will provide both.”

With the expanse of the park into the surrounding waterfront areas, the site will be sure to grab attention and grab year-round tourism into the neighborhood. Touted with the tag line, “the attraction that Coney Island wishes it could be,” the envisioned plan will be visible from Williamsburg, and possible outer space with the correct equipment.

Valentino Park’s biggest need is restroom facilities. In addition to being a place for visitors and residents to relieve themselves, the exotic comfort station will also include a 35 lane bowling alley built from repurposed Shake Shack tables. An arcade will feature 25 classic games, as well as 15 new creations the NYS Assembly has been trade marking over the last four years. These new additions include Whack-A-Constituent, Battlezone: On the Campaign Trail, and Star Tsars: The Next Age of Politics.

The Parks planning did not stop there. They have contracted a permanent new home for the last remaining Seventh Wonder of the World to be displayed throughout the Valentino Park and among Estate Four’s newly acquired property at 202 Coffey Street.

A 15 story building has been approved, pending rezoning restrictions. The building will house NYC’s first casino, topped with 11 floors of luxury condos. Medical equipment, such as stethoscopes and defibrillators, will be stored in the basement to give the appearance of healthcare options. The “clinic” will be dubbed Little Incinerator Closer to Home (LICH), and will be used to give people a false sense of security that their basic needs have been addressed.

Parks has commissioned a deal with New York Helicopters to install a launching pad at the end of Valentino Pier. With the addition of a Red Hook site, fanatics of the delightful and musical noise the copters create will find even more enjoyable dins to celebrate.

RedHook NoiseCopters a Facebook advocacy group for the helicopter tours, was elated when the report was released. “This is exactly what we want Red Hook to be known for! Constant hovering of distracting and melodious aircraft to enhance the staunchy silence of an otherwise peaceful neighborhood,” they posted.
Another hefty project the city is incorporating is a 631 foot Ferris Wheel with a price tag of $230,000,000.01 “If Staten Island (SI) gets one, Brooklyn should have one too,” said a Parks Department rep. “Why not stash it in Red Hook, just to have a place to put it?”

At a recent press conference, the rep, who wishes to remain anonymous – despite the public appearance – was pressed on the matter that Brooklyn already has a Ferris Wheel at Coney Island. “We do not recognize that monstrosity as it is not even on Parks land!” he decried.

The attraction will be among the largest in the world. In stiff competition with the wheel being built in Staten Island, designers chose to build it exactly 1 foot taller and charge one more penny than SI. Architects noted in their drafts that “We must ensure that Staten Island never gets to be the biggest or best at anything.”

A hot air balloon launching site is also being considered for the area. “We see it as a necessity for the community, and we’re doing our best to address the needs of the community,” Des Moines told the Blue Pencil in an exclusive interview. “But we have a strict budget that demands we make tough decisions [on what to include or exclude.]”

In an effort to engage the community of Red Hook, Parks allowed for a suggestions and commenting period before the report was finalized. Suggestions included a pedestrian walkway, bike racks and a modest boathouse for the Red Hook Boaters.

In a statement, Parks Department disqualified most of these ideas, calling them “modest,” and “the small thinking of simpletons who think they know what they need in their neighborhood.”

The entire renovation of the park is expected to take 4 years, but the Parks Department has projected a timeline of 20 minutes on an unspecified day in “early, mid, or late April, maybe all three” when the site will be “inconveniently closed to the public.” The Parks Department is aligning their schedule with the community’s “to ensure total disruption of as many public events as possible.”

To support this plan, send a thank you note to the NYC Parks and Recreation Department. There is no course of action to oppose this plan.