By Lorraine Duffy Merkl
“A cocktail of excess” is the lyrical way Mandy Stadtmiller describes her train wreck existence in the new memoir, Unwifeable (Simon & Schuster.) The prosaic term is: a compound of explosives.
The comedian and journalist, whose writing has appeared most famously in the New York Post, New York Magazine and xojane, is currently (and ironically) a wife, wed to stand-up comedian Pat Dixon, whose reaction to her past indiscretions can be summed up as yeah, whatever.
It was, however, a long road to becoming a spouse, clocking many miles believing, as the title suggests, that she was not marriage material.
During her first ten years in New York City, Stadtmiller’s persona took many forms, meaning this book has a little something for everyone:
- 180 Mandy—If your life started out in a nice safe place but you ended up in a totally opposite situation, you have found your cosmic twin with the author. Living in suburban Chicago at 25, Mandy was married to her college sweetheart and worked at a respectable PR job while studying to become a teacher. At 30, she was divorced, working at the New York Post as a reporter, and sleeping on an inflatable mattress in someone’s spare room in Brooklyn.
- Scoop Stadtmiller—If like me, you’ve never worked at a tabloid, you will read with great interest her almost-like-being-there accounts of employment at the home of “Headless Man In Topless Bar.” The colorful Real Housewife “hit” pieces, Hunter S. Thompson-like join the party stories, and celeb ‘items’ for Page Six are balanced out by her straight-shooting journalism 101 lessons. You may question her personal choices, but professionally, this writer/editor/reporter knows her business.
- Mrs. Super Preppy (almost)—Have you ever dated out of your economic league? You’ll nod your head and simultaneously cringe at every fish-out-of-water word/gesture made during Mandy’s two-year relationship with a multimillionaire. This middle-class girl from San Diego found herself not only in places like Newport, R.I. wearing Lily Pulitzer and Kate Spade to mansions and country clubs, but also 55 thousand dollars in debt trying to keep up with the jet set. Bonus: you’ll learn the distinction between Chapter 7 and Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
- Carrie Bradshaw’s Evil Twin—Imagine if you will, Carrie without Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda or the Manolos. Envision instead that she is a blackout drunk and drug/food/sex addict. Under the influence, there is no co-worker (or co-worker’s better half) she will not insult, or man/woman she will not have sex with. If you or someone you love has ever taken the long way to hit bottom, you will find your face buried in your hands wondering how this woman is still alive.
- 12-Step Mandy—AA, Al-Anon, the Caron Institute, and the guidance of professional shrinks counterbalanced by the insights of fellow comics and Courtney Love. If like Mandy, you ever went into recovery with the manic enthusiasm of a cheerleader who’s downed a six of Red Bull for good measure, you’ll understand her desperation to change her life FAST, which culminates with a break-neck move from NYC to Los Angeles to San Diego then back again in the course of only a few months.
The only people who might take umbrage with Mandy’s tale are those who’ve spent their last decade painstakingly making themselves wifeable aka the one you take home to mother, as opposed to the one you take to the strip club.
Envision a woman fingering the pearls she wore at her coming out party opining before the mirror, “Why did I bother cultivating poise and curating a dignified life, if even ‘that girl’ can end up with a husband?”
Fair enough. So, let’s pretend magically, right this minute, you got a do-over. Would you choose to be an insecure, self-sabotaging, social climbing attention-seeker who never met a three-way she wouldn’t participate in? Who sometimes wakes up (actually comes-to) next to men she didn’t remember even meeting let alone going to bed with?
No, I didn’t think so. But you can read all about her in this irresistible debut you won’t be able to put down.
You can pick up a copy of “Unwifeable” at Books are Magic (225 Smith Street)
Lorraine Duffy Merkl is the author of the novels BACK TO WORK SHE GOES and FAT CHICK, for which a movie is in the works.
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