Saints Stage a One-Day Work Slowdown, by Holly Holyroller

The 34 Saints lining Sacred Hearts-St. Stephen’s Church in Carroll Gardens are planning a one-day work slowdown on April 1. The main reason cited is lack of appreciation from their devotees, despite listening to and interceding over countless prayer requests for them.

Led by the ever-popular St. Anthony of Padua, the saints are in agreement that the only time they ever hear from anyone is “when they need something.” St. Anthony commented that he cannot keep up with the endless requests to find lost items while simultaneously holding the Baby Jesus.

He further noted that people are not as quick to say thank you as they are to bombard him with prayers beginning with “St. Anthony, St. Anthony, something is lost and cannot be found…” He plaintively asked, “After they find whatever they lost, who hears back from them?”

It was previously reported in the Waterford Whispers News that after St. Anthony’s outburst, the Vatican moved to excommunicate him but the Vatican did not return multiple requests for comments by time of publication.

“Not everything is a lost cause…since when is a parking spot a lost cause?” said St. Jude, patron of said lost causes. For his part, Saint Francis of Assisi stated that while he is a lover of nature and animals, he often feels “pigeonholed and overwhelmed with the health issues of everyone’s pets.”

St. Michael the Archangel, protector against the snares of the devil, is feeling positively bogged down these days with the overabundance of global and domestic problems. St. Michael himself was attacked with his own spear a couple of years ago by a troubled visitor to SHSS. He said, “Sometimes even I need a little protection… and a little downtime.”

St. Lucy, who, as the patroness of people with vision problems, is frequently depicted holding her eyes on a plate. She said that while she feels a little guilty about the work slowdown, she advises everyone to double up on their carrot and Vitamin D intake for the day.

Similarly, St. Christopher, former patron of travelers, is also taking part in solidarity. Despite being demoted and not having an altar at SHSS, he still receives plenty of petitions. He cautioned that travelers may want to take it easy on the roads and make sure their GPS is working properly before venturing out that day.

There was some resistance to the action from the many Madonnas of the 150-year old church, including Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Mount Carmel, and Our Lady of Sorrows, who felt that perhaps a one-day slowdown was too harsh. However, after listening to the grievances of the other saints, the Blessed Mothers

decided to get on board. They were quick to point out that this is not a strike but merely a slowdown; they will still be listening.

Meanwhile, St. Joseph, patron of workers and fathers, had this to say: “Sure, we get some nice flowers and maybe even real wax candles on our feast days, but what about the rest of the year? A little thank you goes a long way.”

While the slowdown may reduce candle box collections for the week, the saints feel it is a small price to pay to teach people that even saints should not be taken for granted.