The good, the bad and the ugly of digital dating

Today it’s common to hear that people prefer to find connections through dating apps, right at their fingertips on a mobile screen. For instance, on Tinder, you can swipe right to like a person’s profile or swipe left to decline a profile. On eHarmony, you can send “smiles” and favorite profiles, after completing a questionnaire and getting matched up to potential people. And, when opposite genders match on Bumble, the woman has to message the man first within 24 hours.

Two local millennials, who have used dating apps to try and find romantic connections, shared their thoughts with us on the current dating culture and some of their worst experiences.

Eddy M.

Relationship status: In a relationship

Apps previously used: Bumble, OkCupid

“I used dating apps because I’m very shy. I don’t like to put myself out there too much. If it wasn’t for them, that aspect of my life would basically be a desert.”

After ending a relationship a few years ago, Eddy went back into the digital dating world. He received a number of responses and tested out the waters to see who was and wasn’t actually interested in him.

“There’s a lot of work involved, in terms of getting people to talk to you,” he said. “I spent a lot of time making sure my profile didn’t fit any sort of clichés. Everyone sees profiles with some guys hiking up at Yellowstone [National Park] or someone in a tuxedo. It’s all cookie cutter, and I’m not one of those people.”

While some dates went well, others were train wrecks – including the one time he mistakenly messed up a first date by going to the wrong restaurant.

“Eventually we met up and you could tell she was bored. She was looking around, wasn’t making eye contact and was picking at her food,” Eddy explained to us. “You just never get over the fact at how awkward those things can be.”

Soon after, however, Eddy e-met his current girlfriend in July 2019. He said she took the initiative first. They talked for two weeks before meeting for the first time and going out for drinks. After a month, they became a couple.

“It was really one of those close calls because I was seeing someone for a little bit and I decided to close my profile. She later said she noticed me and then all of a sudden I disappeared, so she was bummed,” he said. “But when I went back on the app and she saw me again, she decided to shoot her shot. And here we are –we get along and everything’s great so far.”

Lucy H.

Relationship status: Single

Apps previously used: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel

“Do you ever meet someone in person and – because we don’t know if they’re single and we’re not used to this culture of asking someone out when you meet them anymore – we just don’t?” Lucy rhetorically asked during our conversation.

While dating apps have been designed to circumvent this problem, she feels that meeting online first can present its own issues.

“I’ve definitely met someone that I vibed with over text and then met them in person and they were so nervous. I told them, ‘It’s not a big deal; you don’t have to be nervous.’ Maybe I’m just no longer nervous because I feel like the chances of failing are more likely than succeeding,” she speculated.

Lucy, who has been on dating apps for the last five years, has also found that the hardest part about using them is how other people interact with her, based on her race.

“You can always tell who are the ones with fetishes. They’ll say something like, ‘I have a thing for Asian girls – I taught English in x country.’ A racially based fetish is still racism in a form,” she explained. “Also, fetishes are usually super stereotypical. For Asian women, it’s ‘we’re docile and we’re very subservient,’ which is not true. It’s super gross.”

Lucy’s also felt uncomfortable a number of times when men message her with inappropriate comments, and even the one time when a man admitted he was married and wasn’t in an open marriage.

“It’s really stupid because anybody who knows your wife, knows you and knows that you’re married could be on there. Maybe be more discreet about cheating and not be on a dating app,” she said, later adding that she immediately stopped talking to that individual.