Shazbot!
It was a hit, a very palpable hit. As was the next one, as onlookers watched acting legend Robin Williams drive golf balls out of Coffey Park this past Wednesday. He was clad entirely in his Scottish get-up, while his also famous caddy, Pam Dawber caddy trotted behind him carrying his beloved bagpipes.
According to one resident, Williams would shout, “I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP OVER THE ROOFTOPS OF THE WORLD!” before launching the balls into nearby windows.
Apparently Williams was trying to skyrocket the golf balls over the East River into Manhattan. In an exclusive interview with the Blue-Pencil, Williams confessed that “this would not be an easy mission; monkeys slow the expedition.” But he also encouraged the crowd to stick around noting that “What some folks call impossible is just stuff they haven’t seen before.”
Williams said he chose Red Hook because of a phone call from God. “If it had been collect, that would have been daring.” The actor also mentioned that he has been very warmly received by the community and thinks Red Hook is “real homey, in an opium kind of way.”
Nearby residents seemed baffled, yet unconcerned that golf balls shattered exterior windows and came bounding into their normal routine.
“One day, my baby girl will treasure this ball with all her heart. Her black eye and broken arm will heal, but this is something she can keep forever,” beamed Euphegina Doubtfire. “I hope she grows up to be just like Princess Jasmine!”
Another local, Garp – who wished only to give his first name in fear he might be hunted for his prize ball – said, “I just hope one day to be half as smart and funny as this amazing trophy. I ain’t never had a friend like this.”
Bob Munro told the Blue-Pencil he will remember who busted his window “every time that cold February wind blows through my apartment.” He clutched his ball so tightly his knuckles turned white. “I don’t care if my landlord ever fixes that,” he chortled.
After three glee-filled hours of knocking the Nanu-Nanu out of the golf balls, Williams decided to retrieve his balls, most of which had plunged deep into the filthy Gowanus Canal. Undeterred, he took off like a knight on a special quest as though he was riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.
Upon approaching the canal,
Clearly unaware of his locale, Williams muttered, “I found you in Hell; don’t you think I could find you in Jersey!” before submerging himself in the canal.
Gowanus, residents and business owners who had gathered to survey the ruckus, just simply released one horrified and synchronized gasp. A good Samaritan named Rainbow Randolph quickly retrieved his rhinestone snorkel mask to lend to the actor. “Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bones,” he said.
At this point Williams began surface diving to the bottom of the canal. Between bobbings, he would clear his mask and snorkel and repeat the mantra, “this is a battle, a war and the casualties could be my heart and soul.”
The actor was successful in retrieving several of his golf balls, along with other random findings. Being the king of ad lib comedy, he entertained the crowds with his witty lines like, “f@$% the shrimp!” “So this is Hell. And there’s a crucifix in it,” and “PHENOMINAL COSMIC POWERS; itty-bitty living space.”
After two hours of swimming, Williams had covered more than a mile stretch of the Gowanus Canal. He finally emerged near Union and Nevins Streets shrieking, “This stuff is burning the hair off my feet!”
Hundreds of Smartphones had caught thousands of photographs of the event. Executive director of the nearby medical clinic, Patch Adams found the encounter brave and inspiring. “Sometimes I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. I think that’s what Robin Williams taught us today.”
Another witness disagreed, saying that this was probably just a publicity stunt by the actor voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by his high school graduating class. Thinking that maybe Williams still had something to prove, Armand Goldman announced, “What if Peter Pan grew up? He’d remember Hook being a lot bigger. To a ten year old, he’s huge.”
Maxwell “Wizard” Wallace was on the fence about what motives drove this occurrence. “Even when you’re squeaky clean, you can fall in the mud. But no matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”
Media representatives for Williams, Jack Powell and Jack Monkier, seemed fairly unphased by the event. Monkier was hesitant to answer the Blue-Pencil’s questions claiming that “I used to think people were out to get me. Now I know they are.” Powell simply replied to all of our inquiries with nonsensical rhymes warning of future threats to the area. “Every month at the quarter moon, there’ll be a monsoon in your lagoon.”
Immediately after scouring himself in scalding hot bath water, Williams called a press conference. “There are three things you need in this world: respect for all kinds of life; a nice bowel movement on a regular basis; and a navy blazer,” he began. After offering condolences for the havoc he cause and the minor injuries, he thanked Brooklyn for their support and promised to return soon. “This has been the vacation I’ll never forget – no matter how hard I try.” He concluded his comedic appearance by noting that, “if there is a poop fairy, I can make lots of money.”
Spokesperson, Sean Maguire declined to comment or return phone calls as of press time.
