Will The Real Q Please Stand Up?, by Joe Enright

It was my toughest assignment yet, but George had faith I could pull it off. “Sure, it’ll be dangerous,” he said dismissively. “But you run fast. For an old guy, anyway. Plus, I’ve noticed you’re pretty quick at pressing that ESCape key.”

And so off I dove into the Internet to unearth the identity of a man named Q.

Since October 2017, the oft-told story goes, someone claiming a governmental Q level security clearance has been posting anonymous online messages as “QAnon,” although his millions of followers simply call him Q. These cryptic messages, called “Q drops,” have been interpreted as revealing a plan to eliminate with extreme prejudice child-trafficking pedophile Democrats, Hollywood celebrities, George Soros, That Smart-Alek-Kid-Down-the-Block-With-His-Black-Friends, some Antifa guy in Jew York, the U.S. Navy Hospital Ship Comfort and the entire news media, including I presume the Red Hook Star Revue and its contributors. Gulp. This scum of the Earth would be rounded up by Trump – an event called “The Storm” – working in concert with…wait for it…wait for it…Robert Mueller. Yes, that’s right, Trump purposefully fired James Comey, knowing Mueller would be appointed Special Prosecutor, thereby giving the ex-FBI Director perfect cover to gather the law enforcement contingent needed for the round-up. But where to put them all? Well, Q had a plan for that too: only Walmart has enough square footage to lock up thousands of pedophiles. Duh!

Given the overlap between Q’s idiotic pronouncements and Trump’s idiotic tweets, there has always been some consideration given by the QAnon crowd to the possibility that Q is actually Fuckface Von Clownstick himself. But then some astute observers pointed out that: 1) Q’s knowledge of the Internet extends far beyond Twitter; and 2) Q Drops were syntactically correct and contained no typos. Well, that ruled out Drumpf all right.

At this point I could bore you with a wonky narrative of how I wandered from web site to imageboard, digesting tales of depravity and Deep State treachery so foul, it would make even Clint Eastwood cry. But the Red Hook Star-Revue is above all that…Oh, all right, let me give you a taste…Tom Hanks is mainlining adrenochrome, some sort of psychedelic derived from torturing children…Trump’s COVID tweet that he and Melania “will get through this TOGETHER!” was a code for Q’s followers TO-GET-HER, with the HER being Hillary because her name starts with the same letter as HER. GET IT? (For QAnons reading this, take it easy! I did not just advise you to GET your IT guy, so stand down.) By the way, what “get” means for Q apparently varies from locking her up to putting her head on a pole, depending on whether you are a moderate QAnon disciple, a conservative, or Steve Bannon.

But alas, so many of this cult’s interpretations and predictions have failed to be validated – at last count, 100%, including the prediction of a Trump election victory – that one is left to wonder: is Q a dropout from the Nostradamus Prediction Learning Academy? Or maybe a degenerate gambler looking to get his juju back after being blackballed by his bookie? Obviously, the Internet needs an enforcer who can take this loser out back and break some thumbs.

Then, as I neared the end of my weeks-long decipherment of Q Drops, the mainstream press suddenly and unanimously outed Q’s identity: a pig farmer in the Philippines named James Arthur Watkins, an expat US Army vet who dishes porn to Japan. He’s an Internet nerd with no Deep State connections, leading on the clueless morons simply to gain profitable “hits” on his web site. Once again, the Trump-loving common man has been duped by a con man. But is it possible that Lamestream Media has gotten this all wrong?

Is it possible that Q is Ben Whishaw, the ascendant British actor who appeared in the last three James Bond movies (Skyfall, Spectre and No Time to Die)? Whishaw also played a hedonistic gay man in London Spy (2015), fighting British intelligence to learn the truth about the death of his lover, an MI6 agent. He then went on to star in the miniseries A Very English Scandal (2018), dramatizing the downfall of Member of Parliament Jeremy Thorpe, a closeted homosexual who was the leader of…wait for it…the Liberal Party. Obviously, Whishaw is drawn to Deep State roles exposing sex-obsessed Libtards. And guess which role he played in the Bond films? The MI6 Quartermaster known simply as Q. Check please!

I haven’t figured out yet why Whishaw is spending so much time posting comments about US politics instead of the UK but give me a break – I had a deadline to meet. However, I am proud to reveal here for the first time that Whishaw’s odd surname is a scrambled form of His Wash, a test tube preparation manufactured by Zymo Research for studying enzymes, thereby giving new meaning to “Q Drops.”

Need I say more? I hope not because that’s as far as I got before the top of my head

started to feel tender, allowing a seam for my soul to leap out and take a walk in the neighborhood. Would you be my neighbor? OK, OK, I understand.